The wonderful thing about Janeys and Allies...

Every kid does funny things. And every parent think their kids are hilarious. Mine are no different, so please forgive me for regaling you with a few of the most recent ones.

1) As a parent, there are certain nights when you KNOW that bedtime is going to be a battle. And it's on nights like these where you do everything and anything you can to keep emotions in check and just get them in bed before the floodgates burst. Well, on one such night a few weeks ago, I was unsuccessful and Jane started to completely and totally melt down. After going through my list of coping mechanisms (including begging, bribing, pleading, threatening, and holding my breath) Jane still refused to see reason. (Note: the fact that I am still surprised that, periodically, a 3 year-old female refuses to see reason is in and of itself a sign of my mental and emotional state) As a result, I put her to bed with no books and no songs. Jane is a creature of habit and rituals, and any variation thereupon is akin to canceling bingo night at the retirement home, in that you're likely to be pelted by walkers, dentures, and adult diapers for any change in schedule. (And don't how Jane has access to dentures or adult diapers... it's a long story)

Anyway, she was not pleased with this decision, and sat in her bed and alternated screaming and pouting for the next 30 minutes. Eventually, Em went in and compromised with her and did all of the responsible parenting things while I was hunched over in the hallway rocking back and forth while muttering under my breath. Seriously if my kids make it through grade school without psychotherapy it will be a minor miracle.

The next morning, Jane came into our room and just kind of stood in front of me, waiting for me to do something. I told her hi, and then she said "Dad, I'm sorry I was grumpy last night." I said "It's ok, Jane, I'm glad that you're happy now." She then replied "Yeah, I was grumpy, but you were ridiculous." How exactly do you respond to that? Especially when she's probably right??

2) We were having dinner with Em's family a while ago, and Jane was spending more time entertaining her cousins by doing various inappropriate things than by eating, so I did the "Here are the 3 pieces of food you have to eat so you don't keel over and die from malnutrition" thing with her dinner. I got her to try a bite of something and I said "There, see? Is that good or what?" to which she innocently replied "That's what, Dad."

3) Allie, on the other hand, is convinced that she is going to be the next American Idol. She and Jane play this game where they stand up on the coffee table, sing and dance, then say "Ta Da!" and take a bow. This typically goes on for hours (or until someone falls off the table and cracks their head, but the show must go on!). Well, Allie has taken to practicing in her crib. At night. Instead of sleeping. So a good hour after you put her in her barb-wire enclosed domed prison (aka crib) you can stand outside her door and hear her singing, followed by a "Ta da!" and then a "Day doo, day doo" (translation: Thank you, thank you) which is in all likelihood accompanied by bowing.

4) Allie has also pretty much eschewed words and instead has jumped right in on sentences. My current favorites are "Ooooh, day doo so much!" and "Oh nooo, binkie where are you?".

5) The other night I was putting Jane to bed and she told me the names of her fingers. It was actually this matter-of-fact, as if everyone has names for each of their fingers. They were as follows:

The Right Hand

The Left Hand

Ummm... is that normal?

6) Every night after we put Jane to sleep she comes out of her room for a few things. Typically, she'll need to come out and use the potty, and then she comes out to give her deep thought for the night. These are things that she has been thinking about and can't answer for one reason or another. For example, tonight she came out of her room and asked me "Dad, why do shirts sometimes have names on them?" I didn't have a great answer, but I told her something along the lines of "It's because you're wearing clothes that don't belong to you, so I wouldn't tell people that they have names on them because someone might take it away from you." (Keep in mind that I want to be Calvin's dad when I grow up.)


Anyway, she went back to her room, likely infinitely more confused than normal. Then, 5 minutes later, she came back out and had this mischievous grin on her face, like she knows she's about to be funny and can hardly stand it. She comes up to me, gives me a big hug, and says "Happy Easter dad" and starts giggling uncontrollably. She's been wishing us both happy Easter for a good 2 weeks now and, for some reason, the joke keeps on getting funnier.

7) And finally, the other night as we were having a tickle war, Jane said to me in her silly voice, "Dad, you smell like poo!" (What is about turning 3 and all the sudden potty words are funny?) I explained to her that we never say that to people..it isn't kind or polite. She then started playing again and a few minutes later asked: "Is it okay if I tell you that you smell like shirt?" Um....sure, Janey. Just don't forget the "r", okay?

Anyone want to buy a house?

'Cause ours is officially up for sale. Yessiree folks, step right up and take a look at our fine home. It slices, it dices, it can...leap whole buildings in a single bound...and it can be yours for only 3 easy installments of $39.99. If you act today, we will throw in a free, all-natural wild bird that will live on your front door.

No, really.

We really are selling our house and we really do have a bird living on our front door.
See for yourself:


It's a robin's nest. It wasn't there yesterday buy yet here it is today. Talk about your speedy construction. I am most impressed. I have spent the afternoon trying to convince them to rethink their locale...., instability of the foundation, noisy neighbors...not to mention doorbells, and the likelyhood of strange swaying sensations felt quite frequently. They're not really listening to me. This means I might have to take things into my own hands and relocate them myself. This is when I really wish I wasn't moving or currently showing our house. If I wasn't, I would just lock the door and keep it shut until the robins had had their little family and moved on. I HATE the thought of having to disturb this happy little home. Luckily, there aren't any eggs in it yet.

So, with or without the bird, if you have anyone interested in buying a house, tell them to buy ours. PLEASE!! It is the biggest pain in the keister to keep this place sparkling clean day after day..and be ready to show the house at a moment's notice. (By the way, I used the word keister in front of Jane the other day and she asked what it meant. I told her it meant her behind and she won't believe me. She told me I was lying and there is only one name for a bum "and that is BUM! B.....M....M!!" This discussion went on for 20 minutes. Can anyone back me up here?)

Anyway, for all you who have sold a house, I have all new respect for you - now I know how much work it is. But we're ready for a change and it's a great time to buy a house if you can sell your own. Wish us luck!

Happy Belated Easter

After a weekend filled with Easter egg dying, birthday parties, Easter cookie decorating, egg hunts and much feasting, Jane threw herself most dramatically across her bed on Sunday night and exclaimed "Mom, I am totally GUZZ-ZHAUSTED!!" Amen, sister. But it sure was hecka fun. Happy Easter everyone.

Dying Easter eggs with cousins.

Obligatory Easter dress pictures


No, that is not our house in the background. We like to take pictures in front of random houses....don't you?

Jane happy to be done with photo session

Allie in escape mode. Getting pictures of Allie takes a crew of many people.

Arctic Pools and Easter Goblins

This weekend marked our first real vacation of 2009. We went “uncamping” in Goblin Valley. This means you pretend like you’re going camping to make your heart happy, but submit to the voices in your head who tell you you are crazy to make two small things who have no idea how to stay in a sleeping bag to save their lives sleep in a tent when it is 29 degrees outside…so you whimp out and get a motel room in Green River with a continental breakfast . That’s really long to say, hence we say, “uncamping.” Sadly, the only “roughing it” we did was when we tried to swim the first day and the pool had icebergs floating in it. We tried to find relief in the hot tub but it was completely filled to overflowing with all of Park City High School’s track team. The only wildlife viewing was of a few of these aforementioned teenage boys trying to pull off each other’s swimsuits. Jane was definitely a little traumitized.

Anyway, on to the story. So we have these awesome, super tough friends (the Jacksons) who came with us, and who did the real camping for us. They have two small kids who toughed it out with them and together we all had a great time. The first day we drove in from Green River and met them for a hike in Little Wildhorse Canyon. The weather was great and the kids did surprisingly well. All but Allie hiked the entire time. We collected lots of rocks, found lizards, climbed trees and bribed them to keep moving with LOTS of treats (our friends had a bag of candy for their kids aptly called their “energy pills.”) We finished the day with a swim in pool (which luckily got all of it’s heating problems worked out and the track team had gone home) and made a campfire in a little random State Park in Green River in which I fed my newly vegetarian friends some beef stew. Go me.

That night we thanked the voices in our heads that told us not to take Allie camping as we tried frantically to get her to sleep in a bed with the family. She would have none of it. My favorite part of the night was when she woke up at 3 am and started playing “Duck, Duck…Goose!” on the tops of our heads, yelling it out at the top of her lungs, and then body-slamming us as she tripped over our whimpering sleep-deprived bodies. Jane wanted Allie to sleep under the bed and Jevan voted for trapping her in the bathroom. Benedryl was the only salvation in the end.

The next day we spent in Goblin Valley, playing hide and go seek and searching for Easter eggs that the Easter Goblin had left for the kids (this was me playing out one of my favorite child hood memories of when my family spent Easter in Goblin Valley. I just had to do it for my kids). We had a great time until the Goblins figured they had had enough of us and conjured up a nasty wind storm that sent sand flying everywhere until you could barely see and had sand in every orifice of your body. No wonder camels have two sets of eyelashes. I would have liked my own second set. At that point, we ran for our lives.

All in all, a great trip. Thanks Jimarie and family!

The Allie Cat Turns Two

So it's official. I no longer have to give out Allie's age in months (I hate it because I can never remember how many months she is...the numbers get too big and I can't count that high...in fact, I think she has been 18 months up until....yesterday). She's finally a two year old. Now she is just one year off from fitting her 3 year old body. Hooray for Allie!

We had a birthday bash for her on Saturday night with the grandparents. She had a grand time being the center of attention for a while, despite all efforts by her sister to make herself the star. Allie spent the day singing her version of "Happy Birthday" to herself and putting things on her head in celebration. She also broke out her favorite kazoo and did a few rounds on that while circling the kitchen.

I made her a cake (or tried, anyway) that didn't look like anything fancy but it tasted pretty good. It was a lemon poppyseed (jane calls them "poopyseeds") cake with raspberry filling and lemon buttercream frosting. I still really lack talent in the decorating department. I could not get my frosting to go red - instead it came out this wierd shade of salmon pink. Allie ate a HUGE piece of it and finshed it all off by deciding to comb her hair with her frosting-covered fork. Very nice, indeed.

She got a few presents, one of which was a new scooter, but in typical Allison style she decided that the cheap Nemo plastic ball was the best present of all. She loves Nemo with all her little heart. She calls him "Meeemo."

All in all I think it was a great birthday for the Allie Cat.

In celebration of her 2 year old birthday, here are some of my favorite things about her:

1. When she wants to snuggle, she's really good at it. When she doesn't, watch out for flailing limbs.

2. She is starting to finally say words, although she kinda just skipped to short sentences. Instead of saying "mine!" when you take something she wants, as most two years old do, she says "But I neeeeeeed it, I neeed it!" We have been trying to get her to say please for things but she listened to Jane say "can I have that please Mom?" in her little singsong voice for so long that now Allie thinks saying please involves some long sentence of babble with the exact same singsong tone. I keep telling her that saying one word is a lot easier, but she can't seem to get it.

3. Allie is tough. She takes some serious spills all the time, but very seldom cries. She can also beat you up if you get in her way. Ask Jane. Although, with the way Jane bosses her around, she has to have some kind of self-defense.

4. Allie has to sleep with two blankets, two teddies, a frog, a duck named "Quack!" and a waterbottle filled to the top. Maybe it helps her get through her nights in the "tent" or maybe she has severe packrat-ism. Beware future husband.

5. Allie has no fear. This is good because she will try anything. This is bad because she might die - she will leap headlong into a swimming pool, caring less if someone is in there to catch her or not. She will also take the highest slide at the park on her stomach, head first. Face plants are her specialty.

6. Allie might have a future as a graffiti artist. Crayons and walls are her favorite paint and canvas. She has done it in multiple homes now, not just mine, and one included my sister-in-law's newly painted downstairs in her new house. Honestly!

7. Allie knows what she wants out of life. She wants to make all her own decisions and insists on "picking" everything. From her clothes to her crackers, she has to have just the right ones. That's why none of her clothes match if you ever wonder.

8. Allie has the cutest giggle and smile in the world. She also melts my heart when she puts her head on my shoulder when I hold her and snuggles a while. I live for those moments.


I could go on for a long time, so suffice it to say: We love you Allison!!

McDonald's ain't got nothin' on this....

So we all know that in today's society, the "Kids Meal" is all about the cool toy that comes with the food. It certainly isn't the food. I must admit I almost never visited McDonald's before I had kids, and now, we probably hit it once a month. And everytime, Jane begs me to dig through the greasy fries to find the little prize at the bottom...the Hannah Montana finger puppet, the monster truck road rally kit, ...the ....spy kids GPS tracking system. It's amazing the stuff they stick in there. But all their high-tech gadgetry does not impress me. I have now found my favorite Kids Meal place, and if you like random, you gotta go.

This was one of those moments that was so random, you just have to blog about it. I have no idea why I find this so funny but I do.

So I spend a fair amount of time in Heber. I have 2 of my 4 siblings living up there as well as a dear friend. Yesterday I was visiting this dear friend who just had a baby (a darling little girl) and on the way home, we stopped at this funny fast food joint called Dairy Keen (awesome huh?). I have only ordered kids meals there twice - once last summer and then again yesterday. The first time I ordered a Kids Meal there, all seemed normal as this nice lady handed our food and such out the window - drinks....a couple bags....some straws and napkins.....giant 4 foot swords......WHAT THE? Yup. She handed me two huge plastic swords complete with carrying sheaths. Jane and Allie were bouncing up and down with excitement. I honestly just stared at the giant plastic poking sticks wondering what to do until the car behind me honked impatiently. So so random. As I drove away, I was still in shock as the kids began hitting themselves and me with their new prize toys.

So out of hunger and curosity, we stopped there again yesterday and here is the treasure that awaited us this time. I had the girls model them for me:



Yes friends, there be two stunning cowboy hats, one in bright neon pink tiger print and one in fabulous blue leopard print. You don't want to miss out on these beauties. Go on, take a drive to Dairy Keen.

Apparently there's two of us in the house

Addicted to chocolate, I mean. Yesterday, I was downstairs with Jane helping her try to play a PBSkids computer game (you never realize how much coordination it takes to point and click a mouse until you watch a 3 year old try to master it....) when I realized it was waaaay to quiet suddenly. Where's Allie? Dang it. She had been taping up her feet with scotch tape just a moment ago, but now was nowhere to be seen. I ran upstairs to this:

This is what happens when you leave a box of wrapped Valentine chocolates on your dresser. Normally you think this spot is safe, until you realize that your near-two year old can make a rudamentary ladder out of your dresser drawers. Notice how in one hand she has a fistfull of at least 5 chocolates? She was in Allie heaven. The funniest part about it all was how she quickly tried to shove them all back in the box when she saw me. Sorry, honey, the chocolate beard kinda gives you away. Allie is also sporting a new trend in hairstyles. It's going to be all the rage. All you have to do is pull out the pigtails your mom put in your hair...multiple times.

Jane also told me today that she had 3 dreams last night, all about what she was going to be when she "growed up". In her words: "In the first dream, I was basketball player. In the second dream, I was a mountain climber. In the third dream, I was BUHTtographer!" So watch out world, my daughter is going into the WNBA and will then summit everest while taking pictures of "buhts" all along the way.

Just for kicks..

Just because i finally took the time to post this on facebook, I figured I would stick this on the blog too. Not really that ya'll are interested...my kids are far more exciting...but I'm doing it anyway, just for kicks and giggles.

25 Random Things About Me

Here goes:

1. I think I could live my entire life in hoodie sweatshirts. I wouldn't even mind living in Alaska so i could wear them in the summer.

2. My arms are way too long for my body.

3. I am a living oxymoron: I love change but thrive on routine in my everyday life. I really like being with people, yet, I would be perfectly content living in a cabin in the mountains all by myself for a year. (okay...my girls and husband would probably have to come along.....for at least some of the time. :)

4.My life dream is to be a park ranger. Dorky huh? But I will do it. Even when I am 70 and I have to drag Jevan around in a big RV. Maybe if I promise him we can put pink flamingos out in front when we park it.

5. My most random childhood memory is when my friend and I found a GIANT gymnastic mat in a pond by our house. We had the time of our lives...until we noticed the leeches.

6. People think I really like to exercise. That's only sort of true. Mostly, I just really like to eat.

7. I can't stand it when people rub their bare feet back and forth across carpet. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

8. I would have LOVED to work on the movie crew that did Planet Earth. My top 3 dream destinations are Peru, New Zealand and China.

9. I have never broken a bone or had stitches. I have had a blood transfusion though. Twice.

10. I have some strange disease that makes my hands and feet cold ALL the time. It's really annoying. My favorite Valentine's present from my husband was a fleece covered heating pad. Sadly, I think I curl up with it more than I curl up with him:). Kidding, Jev.

11. I LOVE off-the-wall random comedy. Flight of the Conchords is one of my favorites. Movies include Rubin & Ed and Danny Deckchair.

12. I once went without bathing for close to 20 days. Know that I didn't have any choice. Luckily, it was in the great outdoors and everyone else around me stunk too.

13. I am addicted to chocolate. If anyone knows any way to overcome this, please let me know. Is there a patch or something I can use?

14. Other foods I love include artichokes, mashed potatoes and homemade ice cream.

15. I've always had this small fear of talking on the phone to strangers. It goes back to the time I tried to ask some pet store owner about the strange behavior of my hamster and he hung up on me.

16. I love to read but it's hard for me to find time anymore. My new obsession is downloading books onto my iPod. It's so great..try it. Folding laundry is so much better when you're listening to a good book.

17. I have absolutely no long term memory. Or short term for that matter. It drives me crazy.

18. I also have no fashion sense. See number 1. I'm a very lazy dresser. In fact, I often leave the same pair of earrings in for probably a month.

19. One of my many heros is Jane Goodall. I once saw her speak and she made me cry real big tears. Other heros include Gordon B Hinkley and of course, my mom.

20. I have always had a thing for Sean Connery even though he's like.....80.

21. I had secret crushes on all my soccer coaches except for one.

22. I like to cook for the most part. Sometimes I find myself wondering who in the heck ever figured out how some foods work. Take meringue. What sad person sat and thought "maybe if I hand-beat these egg whites for 20 hours it will turn into cool fluff!" Who does that?

23. Most people know this, but I really love snow. My happy place is cross country skiing up Millcreek Canyon with my dog. Snowy days give me warm fuzzies. I even don't mind shovelling it.

24. It takes me forever to text things on my phone. So, if you ever get one for me, know there was a lot of heart-felt effort put into it.

25. I could never imagine my life without my husband and my little girls. They are all truly what gives me the most joy in this life.

When did my eyes get too big?

The other day I was washing Jane's face and apparently I got a little too vigorous, so she told me I had to stop or I would rub her spot right off. I looked at her face and had no idea what she was talking about, leading to this little repartee:

Me: "Jane, I don't see a spot..."
Jane: "Dad, you can't see it."
Me: "Why not?"
Jane [matter of factly]: "Because your eyes are too big. You can't see it because you have big eyes."

I've been thinking a lot about that statement, and wondering what other things there are in life that I can't see because my eyes are "too big". Maybe it's your eyes getting bigger that makes imaginary friends disappear, or what makes a walk through the park routine rather than an adventure.

I get reminded of this every time I watch my favorite TV show, Charlie and Lola (seriously... it's great. My favorite time of any daddy day is seeing Allie's face just light up when the show starts - she positively glows.). It's on the Disney channel and is absolutely fantastic. They are brother and sister, Charlie being older. His eyes are medium sized, but Lola's are definitely small. Lola has the ability to turn anything into a game or an adventure, and sometimes Charlie exhibits big-eye syndrome and gets frustrated with Lola, but eventually ends up joining her.

It makes me wonder how much I miss out on because my eyes are too big. Perhaps if we all could let our eyes be just a little smaller we would be a little happier and more appreciative of the wonderful things life has to offer. And if in so doing I get to see Mr. Snugglyface again (my former imaginary friend) I will be quite happy.

In other news, we were playing house the other day. Em was Allie, I was Jane, Jane was mom, and Allie was ... Allie (don't ask, but she hates it when she has to play dad. I guess technically this means that I wasn't part of the family somehow). Anyway, "mom" was putting "Allie" and "Jane" to sleep, so she tucked us in and decided to sing this lullaby:

(to the tune of Brahms' "Lullaby")

Lullaby, and good night,
Go to sleep and sleep well
Close your eyes now close your eyes
No one will eat your toes.

I have to be honest, I was worried about my toes.

Finally, from the "I think my child needs to get out more" department comes this picture of Jane decorating her room:

Em (my extremely OCD wife) told me she has no idea where this kind of behavior comes from...

It doesn't matter if your eyes are big or small, that is both really weird and really cute.

A shower for the birds

This post is dedicated to two of my favorite people, my dear friend Sarah, and my most amazing sister in-law (who I have mentioned many times before in this blog) Andrea. Yesterday, I hosted a baby shower for Sarah as she is due with her first baby in 5 weeks (don't say that too loud or she starts to hyperventilate). I'm really excited for her and wanted to do it up in grand style, especially because if you know Sarah, she would tell you to send out an e-vite, throw some pizzas on the table, and make presents optional (which she did tell me,btw) . Plus, I have to get her back for being so adamant about not finding out what she is having. It's driving me crazy.

Anyway, knowing I wanted to throw a good party, and knowing that creative genius is definitely something I was born without, I called Andrea...'cause she Einstein when it comes to creative genius.

Here was Andrea's challenge - figure how to throw a cute shower that was gender-neutral and something that didn't involve lots of cutesy pastel colors - Sarah just isn't a pink and light blue kinda gal.

The result? Andrea of course came through it with flying colors. Amazing!

Here was what she came up with:

Notice the banner in the window and the birdhouses hanging from the mantle.

The guest(s) of honor.

Cute, huh?

I don't really have any good pictures that do it justice but she did a Mama Bird, Baby Bird theme with different colors of blue and red. It was so cute. Andrea was the mastermind and I was the worker bee (along with other members of Jevan's family - thanks guys!) The birds are handmade, stuffed with rice that sat in lavender for a really long time.They smelled wonderful. They were also the party favors. We had a banner, birdhouses in wheatgrass, menu cards with little bird cutouts....no detail was spared..down to having more little cutouts pasted onto the cups. We had sandwich wraps, salad, fruit, several types of gourmet chips and Andrea topped it off with Cherry Almond cupcakes. Yum. We played pictionary with celebrity kid names which turned out pretty funny. My favorites? Moon Unit, Banjo, and Rocket Valentine.

All in all, it went really well. We only had one small issue involving someone wearing someone else's shoes home....it turned out pretty funny. She had to come back to return the shoes and the poor barefoot lady just said she was happy to know she had good taste in shoes.

SO, thank you Sarah for having a baby (sure life's gonna change, but I have seen your toughness first hand and I know you can handle it. You will be a great mom, and will have this cute little pal to accompany you on all your outdoor adventures) and thank you Andrea for a wonderful shower!

Better Late Than Never??

So it's not looking to good for me, folks. I'm already slipping on those resolutions...and I think it's a bad omen when you end up making your obligatory "Christmas Festivities" post in the middle of January. No good at all. But that is fair warning at just what this post will be so if you've read enough of these, feel free to move on.

The Christmas season was crazy-busy as it is for everyone, full of Christmas concerts and family and friend parties and some unexpected visitors (have to read on for explanation)...and of lots of fun moments. Here be the highlights of our Christmas.

1. Christmas Jammies (of course). Both Jevan's family and my family do Christmas jammies for all the grandkids. Jevan's mom made the cute set with their monogram on the shirt. My family was all about the plaid.

We were going to arrange them and spell a word, but Allie is the only vowel. Can anyone spell something out of "HCCSJA"?

No letters here, just lots plaid-clad little girls.

2. Christmas Eve: This year Christmas Eve was with my family (we alternate families every year) and we had two unexpected visitors this year. One was Santa (my awesome uncle) and the other was Barak Obama. No, really, he came to our house to celebrate. He was even in the Nativity Play as one of the wiseman. He did a fine job, too. We didn't tell him he was actually a part of a practical joke my brother was going to be playing on one of his staunch republican friends later because we didn't want him to feel unappreciated....and that he was a big joke. Actually, my family really does like him so we were quite pleased...and I hope I still keep some of you as friends after that admission.

Jane loved being in the Nativity with her cousins and did a fine job as an angel. Well, except for that she kept falling over all the time. After the shepards came in and saw the angels and were "sore afraid", one of them dramatically fainted in fear. Jane found that amusing and did that too...over, and over, and over. Jane, the fallen angel. The rest of the night was all my favorite things, ending with my dad reading a christmas story while we all ate chocolates and drank bubbly. Allie of course wandered like the wild woman she is.

Jane loved her visit with Santa. Of course, I'm pretty sure that if it were Freddy Krueger and he offered a ginormous Kit-Kat she'd go sit on his lap...

Jane showing off her halo.

Allie showing off her cute smile, and a smashing hairstyle.

I'm pretty sure that Barack's appearance in the family nativity was my favorite moment from Christmas Eve. I'm also glad we weren't struck by lightning.

3. Christmas Day: Why is it that you pile presents in front of your kids and they end up fixating on that one dinky thing you got at a dollar store in order to fill their stockings? Everyone has stories like this, right? What is that about? Honestly. Our obssession of choice were the cheap Cinderella cell phones. Jane did like her other presents, and it was fun to watch her because she practically swooned over everything she opened (that's the kind of reaction that makes parents want to spoil their kids..) but in the end, she opted for the cell phone. Allie too. Actually, Christmas was completely lost on Allie. We had to convince her that her presents were more interesting than her SHOES, for crying out loud. No really. She started to bring every one of her shoes into the front room, and got really mad when we tried to distract her with Christmas stuff. Maybe she thought her shoes needed to be front and center for all the fun..I have no idea. But the day was wonderful and we spent the whole of it in our jammies.

Yay for Christmas Morning! Double yay for shoes!!

Jane and Jev making breakfast. Making is, of course, a relative term, as that's a Pillsbury explody-cannister thing you see on the counter.

The highlight for me that day was ...
(drum roll) DA DA DA DAAAHHH.......

4. My Present!! Whoever said true love can't come in the form of a vacuum does not know me at all. This lovely made it's debut after Jevan purposely spilled flour while making breakfast and told to me to get the broom out of the closet. And lo and behold, there she was: an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle! Ok really it was a Dyson DC25 Ball-Mounted HEPA Filtered Tri-Cyclonic Animal Vacuum. A real serious vacuum. I can't tell you how many curse words have streamed through my head (and sometimes made their was out of my mouth) as I used our old vacuum. When you have a dog that sheds like mine, you need serious firepower. Jasper would just look at our old vacuum wrong and it would lose all suction. Oh, how I hates it. But it is no more. Now I have this beauty. Works like a charm. (All except for the attachment which is a bugger to use...does anyone else have this problem?)

I now use this baby to vanquish dog hair and other such carpet villains.

5. SNOW! We played lots in the snow. We went sledding the day after Christmas and actually lasted a good 45 minutes on the hill. This means we may have actually broken even in the amount of time getting ready vs. being in the snow. A rare phenomenon. Allie, suprisingly, outlasted Jane, despite all the snow being thrown in her face from the sled as we flew down the hill. Tubing with my family was another highlight. We do the tubing hill up at soldier hollow where they tow you up to the top. Allie was sick so I had to stay home, but Jevan took Jane, Tasha and Thomas up for a good time.

Sledding! Allie loved it. We were surprised that Jane got cold before she did. Good times.

Jane posing for a picture. She loved to stockpile snowballs in her tube to throw at Jev on the ride up, the little stinker.

Thomas, Tasha, Jevan and Jane.

6. New Years: We have no pictures of this but suffice it to say that BOTH my children were STILL UP at 3:30AM...while most all other kids at the party slept. That was exciting.

7. And last but not least...REVENGE OF ALPHIE THE CHRISTMAS TREE! I'm not sure if it was our inability to remember to put water in our tree, or if it had heard some how that we had impaled some of its little forest creature friends on our cranberry decorations placed on it's distant cousin, but for some reason, by the end of Christmas, it had it out for us. It was so angry and so dry that if you just breathed on it, a shower of needles would fall on you. Would you like to know what it looks like when you try to take a tree like that out of the house? Oh, something like this:

Jev is convinced he got the better of this battle. That may have to do with the fact that he didn't have to clean it up...

Yeah... next year I have to remember to water the tree. There are seedless oranges, can't they make waterless trees?

We will find needles in places you wouldn't dream of from now 'till Memorial day. Just reminders of a good Christmas, I guess.

A Conversation on Christmas

You can always tell when life gets busy 'round here because it's our little blog that suffers. Christmas was wonderful but I'm feeling a bit lazy, especially when it comes to uploading pictures, so I'm procrasting writing a Christmas report (plus we're the only ones who will want to read it anyway....let's face it). I love that I am starting off the new year by procrastinating. Go me.

But I wanted to make sure I recorded this. The following is a conversation we had with Jane at dinner a couple weeks ago:

Jane: "It's almost Christmas time!! I get to ask for presents!"

Me: "What are you going to ask for?"

Jane: (face droops..) "I.......don't know. Maybe a piano." (No doll for Jane. She doesn't play around with the small ticket items.)

Me: "Do know what Christmas is, Jane?"

Jane: "No."

Me: "It's Jesus' birthday. He was born on Christmas."

Jane: "OOOoooo! OOooooo! Do we get to have a party? Can I help blow out the candles?"

Me: "Jev?"

Jevan: (punt) "It's all you."

Me: "Um....it's sorta like a party, Jane. But everyone celebrates it. Everyone all over the world."

Jevan: (raises an eyebrow...)

Me: "Uh...I take that back. LOTS of people in the world do." (heh....who's world vision is a little narrow, eh? Sorry India....and the Middle East ....and most of Asia...*doh*)

Jane: "I really like parties!" (can't seem to get out of party mode) "Will Jesus be there? Can I help him open presents?"

Me: "Uh....not technically. He's not physically on earth right now."

Jane: (staring at me with quizzical look) "Pizzickly?" (thinks some more...) "Will there be cake? (still can't get out of party mode)

Me: "And do you know who His friend is?"

Jane: "Who?"

Me: "Santa Clause!"

Jane: "Oh, yeah. He has to stay out in the snow. If he comes inside, he'll melt."

Me: "Um...I think that's Frosty. Frosty the Snowman."

Jane: "Yeah. He's coming to the party too."

Jevan: "Um....wow. I have absolutely nothing to add to that."

And thus begins the process by which we completely screw up our kids. Amen.


Jevan's addition:

While we're talking about historical and fictional characters and how it can confuse our kids, I figured I would add this little exchange I had with Jane this morning. I was tickling her and she called for Em to come help her. Jane yelled that it was daddy, and I told her that I wasn't the one that was tickling her, but it was in fact the man that lives in my finger, Mr. Bimbo. (For those of you that haven't seen Muppet Treasure Island, you should watch it, but for context you can watch this video. Skip ahead to around 6:45 to get some laughs.) Anyway, she looked at me for half a second, then promptly announced that "Mr. Clara" was living in her finger and was going to tickle me. Touche.

Checkmate

Raising kids is like a game of chess, except there are no pieces, no board, and the objective for the parents is not to win, but to help them survive childhood, whereas the objective for the children is simply to drive parents crazy. Ok, so it's not really like chess EXCEPT for the fact that for each and every move there is a counter-move. A few examples:

Move: In order to get attention at night, Allie learns to bodily fling herself out of the crib
Counter-move: Buy a crib prison

Move: Now trapped inside her prison at night, Allie begins taking off her pajamas and crying until we come in and put them back on.
Counter-move: Safety-pin her pajamas closed.

Move: Climb out of the porta-crib while traveling.
Counter-move: Turn that crib right upside down and laugh the night away.

So it's really been a stalemate up until now. But tonight, the game has changed, and Allie has a new move, and I can't think of a counter-move.

Move: Now trapped in her crib and unable to remove her clothing, Allie has taken the only logical next step - stuffing her binky down her pajamas and crying until you come take it out. I'm not sure how but it was literally at her ankle in her footed pajamas.
Counter-move: No idea, other than not giving her a binky and my friends, that is not an option.

Help?

Christmas Traditions (aka the spikey cranberry orange death balls)

Weekends are truly fickle things. Very rarely am I able to balance relaxation with productivity, work with fun, and return to the office on Monday feeling great. This weekend was, by my exacting standards, just about perfect.

It might have something to do with me taking Friday off to help kick off the madness that is December. I spent the morning putting the lights on the house, and then in the afternoon we went and picked out a Christmas tree. Some of you may remember that last year we went out into the forest and chopped a tree down with our friends Tom & Sarah. Em has felt guilty about it for the entire year, even though I tried to explain to her that we had chopped down Alfie the Christmas Tree and that he was happy to be in our house, but it was kind of hard to argue that the tree's life was better once I had to put him in a dumpster...

Therefore, in order to atone for this misdeed, we bought a tree from Home Depot, where they are grown in a soulless tree farm in Oregon. But our penance didn't stop there. Oh no, we had to prove to the forest that we were truly sorry for killing one of their her native sons. So, Em decided to start a fun new family tradition (we're calling it Christmas for the Critters™) and make some bio-degradable animal-food decorations to take into the forest and decorate a tree. With our kids. And we took my sister. And her kids. I would add my sister's husband (aka my brother in-law) but he informed us that this idea was just too random and he was going to pass.

So Saturday morning we bought a 10-pound bag of bird seed (apparently it doesn't come in smaller bags, because most people either really like birds or are afraid of birdzilla...), a jar of peanut butter, and grabbed some of the pine cones that the kids collected and then, armed with mini-bagels, wonder bread, and Christmas cookie-cutters, began to make the ornaments.

Hazel, Chloe, Calvin and Jane work like Elves in the factory. Only there's no factory. Or toys. Ok so they're making decorations.

What emerged from this process was a few plate-fulls of gooey vaguely christmas ornament shaped messes that, while not particularly appetizing to me, I'm sure are proving to be very tasty to all of the forest denizens that used to live in the late Alfie's boughs. All of them were completely environmentally friendly, down to the Raphiella (or whatever the straw-like stuff is called) used to hang them.

The finished products. Cute, eh?

The one exception to this statement would be the spikey cranberry orange death balls. You see, toward the end of the ornament-making fun, Em realized that we had a bunch of leftover cranberries from Thanksgiving, and thought they would add just the right dash of color to the otherwise drab collection of ornaments. In addition, we had some clementines sitting around that would be really pretty. (side note: is there anything better than a clementine? They're one of my favorite parts about Christmas.) So, she decided that it would be a really cool ornament if she used toothpicks to stick the cranberries onto the clementines. Unfortunately, the finished product looked more akin to a ninja-chef's weapon than something you'd hang on a tree for a deer to eat, but when I pointed this out I was informed that 'deer have very sensitive lips and they will be able to avoid the toothpicks and get to the orange.'

There is no appropriate response to that statement. I've spent last few days thinking about it, and I can't come up with anything.

Why is it that clementines are so much more deadly than regular oranges? When asked questions like this I typically try to break the word down to its roots. In this case, 'clemen' would be referring to Roger Clemens, who had a wicked fastball and was known to throw at batters' heads from time to time, and 'tines' are obviously the sharp part of the spork, so clearly we see that clementines are dangerous, pokey projectiles.

Thus prepared for our decorative activity, we headed off to the canyon to find the right tree. As it turned out, it was about 1:00 and past nap time, so the 'perfect' tree quickly turned into the 'closest and most accessible' tree. We trekked down a trail about 50 feet, found a likely candidate, and quickly turned it into a squirrel, bird, and deer 7-11. The kids had a blast, and I enjoyed pointing out that we would be able to return in the spring and count the bodies of all the dead creatures that ate the spikey cranberry orange death balls.

The decorating crew in front of their work.

Hang a blueberry bagel on the highest bough...

The finished product did in fact look rather festive, and despite all of my heckling and good-natured ribbing I had a really good time doing it.

I love the maimed wonderbread man in the background...

Here's a close-up of the SCODB after a hummingbird tried to get some of the orange...

So after we got back from decorating the forest tree, we came back home and decorated our tree. We make a whole evening of it, and while it is a bit challenging with Allie undoing decorations as fast as we put them up, I really enjoy it. Christmas music playing in the background, fire glowing in the fireplace, chocolate orange sticks and these really tasty butterscotch gingerbread cookies to eat... all happy things for me.

Allie giving the camera her 'cool' face, while Jane takes yet another bite of cookie dough. I'm pretty sure she ate as much dough as she made...

We ended the day by reading "Bear Stays Up for Christmas" to Jane under the Christmas tree and drinking bubbly by the fireplace. It was one of those days that make you smile when you look back on it. Thanks Emmy!