Who put me in charge?

So it's 3 am. I can't sleep even though I am exhausted and my mind won't shut down, running through the day over and over. Tossing and turning in bed, I started narrating the day to myself and it began to sound like a blog post in my head, so I am hoping that if I just come sit down at the computer and write it all down, I can finally get some rest. You know, computer screens are really bright when the rest of the house is completely dark.

Today was such an emotional day for me for some reason. Well, actually, I know the reason...or reasons. I think being 7 mo. pregnant, sick with some crazy head cold, going to bed really late lots of nights in a row and then not being able to sleep..all have something to do with it. I cried a lot today. I cried at my husband this morning for some silly reason like not giving Janey a bath while I went for a walk. I cried for a minute at in the parking lot at Costco because my body felt so tired and heavy and I had to wake Jane up in her carseat to go in when I know she was as tired as I was.

This afternoon, Jevan and I went to a movie called "The Pursuit of Happyness" which was probably not the best choice of a movie on a day like this because I cried all through it too. I haven't cried that openly during a movie since "Shindler's List". It is a movie (based on true story) about a man living barely above the poverty line with his wife and young son. He is a salesman for a living and is having a tough time selling medical equipment that he had invested in and has to sell a certain quota to get out of his contract. He is smart and determined, and as the money continues to run out, he decides to apply for a 6 mo. internship at Dean Witter. He gets the internship, then finds out it is unpaid. He takes the internship anyway with the hope of a better life in the future for his family. His wife then leaves him and the rest of the story is about how he and his son spend the next 6 months trying to survive, living out of motel rooms, homeless shelters, and even spend some nights on the street, forming an incredible bond between the two of them. In one scene, he cradles his sleeping son's head in his lap on the floor of the subway bathroom, tears running down his face as people continue to bang on the locked door through the night. It is heart wrenching. In the end, through sheer determination, he gets the job as a stock broker after being picked from a pool of 20 other interns. He sobs when he finds out....so did I. Here is a man who sacrificed everything in hopes of creating a better life for his son.

So then we go get Janey (who I had to just hug for about 10 minutes when I saw her) and head over to my SIL's house for dinner. I go into the bathroom and start changing Janey's diaper, lift up her little onesie and break down in tears again...this time in pure mommy guilt. Here lies my little girl with little blister /wounds all over her tummy and chest because she has a condition called moluscum contagiousum where she can spread these moles all over her body. I took her to the dermatologist a couple days before where they treated all the moles with acid to make them fall off. Peeling off her diaper, I expose a red and bleeding bum (she has been battling an awful diaper rash for past few days) made worse because of a poopy diaper that hasn't been changed in hours due to her mother leaving her with a babysitter and selfishly taking off to a movie. She wasn't given a nap all day, again because of her selfish mother dragging her all over, and she is tired and most assuredly uncomfortable.

I just cry. Who am I to be a mother to such a perfect, innocent creature? Why do I think I can take good care of her? She has been sick so much this winter, with rotovirus and continuous ear infections and now all these skin issues...I think she has barely gone a few days at a time without pain or feeling uncomfortable. Yet through it all she continues to smile, laugh and play, wanting my attention and love. And I don't feel worthy of it. Who trusted me with her? What if I can't hold up my end of the bargain? What if I am no good at taking care of her? What if I am just too selfish or ignorant? Am I willing to sacrifice everything for her like the father in the movie?I cry because I feel like Janey deserves a much better mom. But I am all she has got.

I compose myself, doctor Janey up, and the rest of the evening is fine, but my heart still feels heavy. Before going to bed tonight, I looked in on her sleeping in her crib and vowed I would try to be better mom.

Now that I am up, I hear her let out little cries from time to time, probably because her little tummy or bum is so sore. Ugh, the agonies of motherhood. Hopefully, after writing all this out, I can finally fall asleep. I think being a parent will always carry with it some bit of guilt, at least for me, but all I can do is be the best mom I can and hope my kids will trust that I am trying. I tell you what though, I sure hope Heavenly Father knows what he doing.