Identity Theft

Yes, my identity has been stolen...not by some faceless thug mind you...no, by someone I love. (Don't they always say that you hurt those you love the most...er..something like that...). Actually, by TWO someones I love. Yup, my kids have stollen my identity, and I think it is causing me to have a off-by-a-decade mid-life crisis. Have any of you mothers out there felt like this? Do you ever feel like you got lost somewhere once your mom role started? You now measure your weeks by diaper genie refills, gain insight throught the little antecdotes on "It's a Big, Big World" (it's okay to move through life slow like a sloth, and don't be in such a hurry to grow up, like Smooch's sunflower), and count yourself as a success in life if your toddler says "thank you" without being told to the retail clerk who has just handed her a balloon (which ended out popping in her face 10 seconds later when we left the store...did you know those things can leave a welt?). Point is, I love being a mom, but lately I wonder...who am I?

I can tell you who I used to be before I had kids. I was a bit of a hippy/granola/whatever the politically correct term is for someone who is way into environmental issues and outdoor adventuring. Back before it was cool. I grew up wanting to be a park ranger. I still do. I used to spend way too much money at REI. I turned vegetarian after watching some films in school about what goes on at meat farms. It's beyond inhumane. I used to plant trees along the Jordan River. I used to backpack, hike, and sometimes rock climb. I used to worry about all the horrible acts against humanity going on in the world. I worked for a non-profit organization that fights for National Forests...we mostly just fought with the Forest Service. (It's called the Utah Environmental Congress..check out their website and join them...http://www.uec-utah.org/)I even rallied at the Capitol. I used to fantasize about maybe, you know, getting my belly button pierced and growing some dreadlocks. Of course, I could never get myself to do either...but that didn't stop me from thinking about it. Mostly, I was just way more GREEN and spent lots more time outdoors. I was a LOT more carefree.

Sometimes, I miss that me.

Now, I feel like I am so far from that me that it makes me laugh. My backpack has a coating of dust and a family of spiders living in it. My rock climbing shoes were given to someone who would actually USE them. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world at all, let alone in the environmental sector. People still ask my opinion on certain things, knowing that I have been environmentally minded in the past, and I think I shock them when I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. "Who are you voting for for president, Em? Do you like so-and so's take on the enviornment? Do you think so and so is too liberal? Is Al Gore still running for president? What is Obama's take on global warming?" "Uh...hmmmm..." I answer. "I think I will be voting for Elmo because I think Dorothy would make a fine secretary of state...and he is well versed in the "Ears" song. I do know that Al Gore put out a pretty good movie, though. You should see it." Seriously. I know nothing. I still try to recycle everything I can but I feel like I counter any effort everytime I throw a bunch of plastic diapers in the garbage can. I let out a sad sigh everytime I pass the organic produce section of the grocery store, knowing that I really can only afford the pesticide-laden, mutated fruit and veggies. I am not even close to being vegetarian and actually had a bag of hot dogs in my fridge this summer. I hate hot dogs. I mean, what are those things made of? But Jane likes them. And she likes meat. So does Jevan. So we eat it.

And that, my friends, is the problem. I have found I now follow the path of least resistance. Sadly, having kids has left me so tired at the end of the day that I just do what is easy...whatever is enough to get by. Being vegetarian, following current events, doing environmentally friendly things, taking my kids on a hike...it all takes work. Lots of work.

But, I've decided that by following that path of least resistance, I have lost myself, my soul, along the way. Does this sound crazy? I NEED something else to be PASSIONATE about other than my kids. My number one priority will be and always should be my kids and my husband. But I need something else. I need a little of the old me back again.

Don't get me wrong...I am not going to grow dreadlocks now or go to Burning Man or go spend a week backpacking through the Uintahs. But I am going to do something. And I figured that by blogging about it, those who read this can help me stick to it. I want to be vegetarian again, even if the rest of my family isn't. (I am not sure how to do a vegetarian diet with kids, for fear they won't get the nutrients or protein they need. If anyone has insight on this topic, let me know). I want to start taking my own bags to the grocery store and buying certain things organic (produce that is part of the "dirty dozen"). My SIL does a farm co-op where she gets fresh produce from a local farm every week during the summer. I want to do that. I want to have my own garden by next spring. I have the perfect spot for it in my yard, a little area that used to be a dog run, but first I would have to conquer the little amazon jungle living in there currently. I am going to try to do some reading each week on current events. I am going to find out what activities are going on in our area that are environmentally minded (like tree plantings..etc) and for kids. (Again, if anyone knows a good website/other venue that gives out this kind of information, let me know). I am going to take my wee ones up the canyon more often..even if it means just playing in the dirt at the bottom of a trailhead.

Along with it, I am going to add a main component that I have learned since having kids. This is COMPASSION. Humanity is every bit as important as the environment and I want my kids to grow up with concern for both. I want to try to do more service for others...as much as can..without losing too much sanity. Both around me locally and also globally. I want to do one of those programs where you "adopt" a child in Africa and send them money and letters. More service, more service. I KNOW this will make me a happier person.

So, there you have it. I wrote this all during naptime and I now hear the stirrings of a little Allison. I hope I can stick with some of this. Hopefully, writing it all down will help. I will still back Elmo for president, though...with Snook as vice president....and Mr. Noodle as head of homeland security...fitting no?