The Alpha Strikes Back

In order to truly appreciate this post, please turn on your speakers.



The time had come for me to take matters into my own hands. Here is a sequence of events from Friday night / Saturday morning:

2:00 - Allie wakes up and comes into the room; Em goes in.
2:45 - Em has finally rocked her back to sleep.
4:00 - Allie comes back into the room; I go in.
4:30 - Allie has not yet fallen asleep, but has stopped trying to escape (as I am sitting in the rocking chair giving her the evil eye). She wanders aimlessly around her crib for the next half-hour; neither of us has slept yet.
5:00 - Allie begins unzipping her pajamas and crying in an attempt to crack my resolve; I let the half-naked singing stinker cry.
5:15 - In a new and increasingly cunning tactic, Allie starts throwing her binkie overboard and crying. I realize that this is not a good sign.
5:30 - I raise the white flag of surrender, having not slept nor caused Allie to sleep in an hour and a half.
6:00 - Allie comes back into our room.
6:30 - 8:00 - Em makes a bed in Allies room and attempts to snuggle her to sleep. Em dozes lightly while Allie runs around the room, mocking our exhaustion and frustration with cute little pseudo-words and baby babble.

At this point as a parent but, you have to make some important decisions.

1. How do we handle this new phase in our child's life?
2. What kind of products are available to help us out?
3. Is it legal to use a tranquilizer on a child?

What I discovered was better than a tranquilizer. Better than a rope tied to a child's leg. In my opinion, it's almost cooler than having a child that just sleeps without any kind of restraint. I give you my Death Star:

"That's no moon... it's a sleep station!" - Obi-Em Kenobi

"Witness the power of this fully armed and operational sleeping station!" - Emperor Dad

That's right, my daughter now sleeps in a dome. She's like the bubble boy from Seinfeld. I'm pretty sure that a determined and enraged wolverine couldn't escape from this thing.

"But dad, I was just going to go to Toshi station to pick up some power converters!" - Young Allie Skywalker

Am a I bad father? Perhaps. But I know I'm a better father to my children when they aren't wandering the house at 4:00 in the morning and keeping me from sleeping.

Oh, and mom, please put the money you had reserved for my counseling into an interest-bearing account; I'll need to roll all of that into the fund I'm starting for Allie.