Saturday, December 30, 2006

Who put me in charge?

So it's 3 am. I can't sleep even though I am exhausted and my mind won't shut down, running through the day over and over. Tossing and turning in bed, I started narrating the day to myself and it began to sound like a blog post in my head, so I am hoping that if I just come sit down at the computer and write it all down, I can finally get some rest. You know, computer screens are really bright when the rest of the house is completely dark.

Today was such an emotional day for me for some reason. Well, actually, I know the reason...or reasons. I think being 7 mo. pregnant, sick with some crazy head cold, going to bed really late lots of nights in a row and then not being able to sleep..all have something to do with it. I cried a lot today. I cried at my husband this morning for some silly reason like not giving Janey a bath while I went for a walk. I cried for a minute at in the parking lot at Costco because my body felt so tired and heavy and I had to wake Jane up in her carseat to go in when I know she was as tired as I was.

This afternoon, Jevan and I went to a movie called "The Pursuit of Happyness" which was probably not the best choice of a movie on a day like this because I cried all through it too. I haven't cried that openly during a movie since "Shindler's List". It is a movie (based on true story) about a man living barely above the poverty line with his wife and young son. He is a salesman for a living and is having a tough time selling medical equipment that he had invested in and has to sell a certain quota to get out of his contract. He is smart and determined, and as the money continues to run out, he decides to apply for a 6 mo. internship at Dean Witter. He gets the internship, then finds out it is unpaid. He takes the internship anyway with the hope of a better life in the future for his family. His wife then leaves him and the rest of the story is about how he and his son spend the next 6 months trying to survive, living out of motel rooms, homeless shelters, and even spend some nights on the street, forming an incredible bond between the two of them. In one scene, he cradles his sleeping son's head in his lap on the floor of the subway bathroom, tears running down his face as people continue to bang on the locked door through the night. It is heart wrenching. In the end, through sheer determination, he gets the job as a stock broker after being picked from a pool of 20 other interns. He sobs when he finds did I. Here is a man who sacrificed everything in hopes of creating a better life for his son.

So then we go get Janey (who I had to just hug for about 10 minutes when I saw her) and head over to my SIL's house for dinner. I go into the bathroom and start changing Janey's diaper, lift up her little onesie and break down in tears again...this time in pure mommy guilt. Here lies my little girl with little blister /wounds all over her tummy and chest because she has a condition called moluscum contagiousum where she can spread these moles all over her body. I took her to the dermatologist a couple days before where they treated all the moles with acid to make them fall off. Peeling off her diaper, I expose a red and bleeding bum (she has been battling an awful diaper rash for past few days) made worse because of a poopy diaper that hasn't been changed in hours due to her mother leaving her with a babysitter and selfishly taking off to a movie. She wasn't given a nap all day, again because of her selfish mother dragging her all over, and she is tired and most assuredly uncomfortable.

I just cry. Who am I to be a mother to such a perfect, innocent creature? Why do I think I can take good care of her? She has been sick so much this winter, with rotovirus and continuous ear infections and now all these skin issues...I think she has barely gone a few days at a time without pain or feeling uncomfortable. Yet through it all she continues to smile, laugh and play, wanting my attention and love. And I don't feel worthy of it. Who trusted me with her? What if I can't hold up my end of the bargain? What if I am no good at taking care of her? What if I am just too selfish or ignorant? Am I willing to sacrifice everything for her like the father in the movie?I cry because I feel like Janey deserves a much better mom. But I am all she has got.

I compose myself, doctor Janey up, and the rest of the evening is fine, but my heart still feels heavy. Before going to bed tonight, I looked in on her sleeping in her crib and vowed I would try to be better mom.

Now that I am up, I hear her let out little cries from time to time, probably because her little tummy or bum is so sore. Ugh, the agonies of motherhood. Hopefully, after writing all this out, I can finally fall asleep. I think being a parent will always carry with it some bit of guilt, at least for me, but all I can do is be the best mom I can and hope my kids will trust that I am trying. I tell you what though, I sure hope Heavenly Father knows what he doing.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Christmas madness and the poop chair

What a crazy month! I need to be writing more often so I don't have to cover so much of a time span all at once. So it's only a few days before Christmas and I am FINALLY done with most all of my shopping. I had this insane goal of trying to be all done by the first week of December, but has that happened? Not so much. For some reason, it is still hard for me to accept that you just can't get that much in during the day with a toddler. I write these silly lists of all the places I want to get to in one afternoon and then MAYBE get to two before Jane goes into meltdown mode. When I try to fit in too many errands, it soon becomes a battle just to leave a store without her breaking something or bursting into tears because I took some fascinating object away from her and I rush out trying not to cause a scene. Why do I never learn? Sometimes though, it makes me giggle when a store employee will comment on how cute Jane is as she is toddling down an isle and I think "yeah, you just wait about 10 minutes and then see how cute she is when she leaves your store looking like Katrina just hit it...".

She also isn't a fan of having to get in and out of the car all the time and the only way I have found to keep her happy in the car is having a stash of animal crackers at all times that I can hand to her. The only problem is that now she equates riding in the car with "duddoos" (cookies) and will ask everytime we get in, no matter what. AND, she gets pretty mad when the stash has run dry. Sometimes she evens asks to go "bubbye" and when I say "oh, you want to go bubbye in the car?" she instantly says "duddoo!!!" Right. You just want the cookie.

However, Jane is actually getting more fun everyday. Running errands can be difficult, but really, for the most part, Jane is so cute. We have a lot of fun together. This month has been rough for her because she has spent most of it sick. The first week she had a really bad cold and of course, the accompanying ear infection. Did you know that infected ears that don't drain really smell bad? At first I thought the smell was her breath and kept brushing her teeth over and over, but then I clued in, and figured out it was her ear. Honestly, I think the poor thing lives with a continuous ear ache. I took her in and got her some ear drops, but eventually we had to switch to hard core antibiotics. THEN, she got rotovirus. It's a nasty little thing. We were coming home from Target where she had seemed just fine, and then she just suddenly threw up in the car. She had fallen out of her crib for the first time that same day, so I started to get worried that she had another concussion, but as she got progressively sicker that night, I took her to Instacare and the doctor said the symptoms fit a bug going around called rotovirus. Yuck. She was so miserable. I had never seen her like that before. She just wanted to be held and rocked. Nothing else. She didn't even want to move. She continued to throw-up and have diarrhea the next day, but soon it seemed to be clearing up...then, about 4 days into it, the virus hit her really hard and she was pretty much lifeless for the whole day. I think she was only awake for about 5 hours out of the day. It was so sad. But, as of a few days ago, I think we finally kicked it. What a yucky experience. Why can't I keep her healthy? I swear I try to keep our hands washed and she isn't really around lots of little kids all the time...grrrrr frustrating.

But a funny story did come from the whole experience. One night, after changing a really runny poopy diaper, I decided she needed a bath. She seemed to be doing a little better and was in good spirits. She loves bathtime and especially loves running around the house naked, with Jevan and I chasing her. She giggles and laughs her little heart out. So, that night, I let her run wild for a little while. She kept running to the big lazyboy rocker we have in her room and wanting to get on it. I decided to humor her since she finally had a smile on her face after so many miserable days. She would get on and off and run down the hall and then come back. I sat her on the chair on more time and began picking up some of her books when I noticed the sock she had in her hand had something wierd and green on it. As I peered over the side of the chair, there was Jane, sitting in puddle of her own muck. YUCK! "Jane, you pooped on the chair?!!!!" So gross. After getting it all cleaned up (it all came out amazingly well - you would never know it happened) I made a mental note to myself. Lesson learned. Never trust a naked wildwoman with acute diarrhea.

Now that Jane is all better, including no ear infections, she has become a totally different child. She is so happy most all the time, and giggles continuously. She has also developed this little devilish cackle that just cracks us up. She thinks she is one seriously funny chicka. She is learning new little words and tricks all the time that she is always surprising me with. The other day, she came up to me with one of her favorite books wanting me to read it to her. She kept saying in a little sing-song voice, "rah rah rah" over and over. So we took the book and went into her room to read. It is a book that has a bunch of singable nursery rhymes in it like "Little Cottage in the Wood" and "Row, row, row your boat". When we got to one of her personal favorites, "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" and I started singing it to her, she suddenly joined in with her "rah rah rah", following the pitches of my voice. She was singing "round and round"! The cutest part of the whole thing was when I got to "all through the town", she sang "all trooo" (her words for "all through") like she says when she is done eating or wants to get out of the bath. She had clued in on the words and thought, hey, I know how to say that! It was so so adorable. I love this little Jane.

She has added a horse neighing into her zoo language and has also added "sock" to her vocabulary. She is getting so good at communicating just with body language and by using the same baby words for the same "baba" is a binky and "dootch" is juice or a drink.

Last night, we had Jevan's extended family Christmas party at his Uncle Doug's house. It is this gargantuous thing in Draper and is just beautiful. It held all 50+ of us easily! The best part was after dinner, we all headed downstairs and sang Christmas carols and swapped presents. Jane was mesmerized while everyone was singing together. There was also a talent show and she loved watching all the little cousins perform. She even got to be part of the show when Aunt Kirsten picked her up during "Hark the Herald Angels Sing" and flew her around in the front of the room, like she was a little cherub. She really looked like one too - her cute little beaming face and curly blond hair. She LOVED the attention. It was a very crazy night though with so much going on and she was really worn out at the end of the night. That probably explains why she is now doing the sleep of the dead at naptime today. Good thing because it has let me catch up a little on this here journaling.

I know there is lots more to say, but I think I am going to be done for the day. Now that Jane is all better, I have contracted a nasty head cold and my brain has done all the concentrating that I think it is going to do for the day. Blah. If it's not one of that's sick, it's the other one! I can't win!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Early Reading Meme

So I am new to this whole "meme" thing, but Becca, my cute sister-in-law ( I see so many abbreviations in all the blogs that I read and I don't know what most of them mean, so I am going to play too and say Becca is my "SIL") tagged me for this one so here goes:

1. How old were you when you learned to read and who taught you?

Wow. I really have no idea. I don't have the best memory of my early days, but I think I really learned to read by watching the words as my mom read to me. I do remember the first book I read aloud to someone, "The Adventures of Morris and Boris"(Morris the Moose and Boris the Bear). I remember my brother being very impressed and my sister saying that I had just heard the stories so many times, I had memorized them all. It was probably a little of both. But I sure thought I was smart!

2. What books do you remember owning as a child?

Again, I have such a stinky memory but I do remember a few. The ones that stand out are "Goodnight Moon" (I know, so overdone but I loved the book) , the story about Corduroy, the little teddy bear that gets lost in a store overnight, "There's a Nightmare in my Closet", "Bread and Jam for Frances" , "Make Way for Ducklings", "Where the Wild Things Are" and the "Wheedle on the Needle". I can't tell you authors on a lot of the books, but you who have read them will know.

3. What is the first book you remember buying with your own money?

This is something I actually remember clearly. When I was in first grade, we were asked to bring our favorite book for show-in-tell. The book I was currently obsessed with was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day. So I brought it to school with me, and after show-in-tell, it somehow disappeared (I still to this day think Chris Lindsey, the class bully who sat next to me, stole it. That is one of the downfalls of being the shy, quiet, incredibly obedient-because-you-would-pee-your-pants-in-terror-if-the-teacher-ever-got
mad-at-you kind of kid. You ALWAYS had to sit by the bad kids. I told my mom and she took me to the book store to buy the book again with my allowance.

4. Were you a re-reader as a child? If so, what did you read the most often?

Not so much. I did like to pick a series and get all the books in a series, but usually when I was done with them all, I would move on. I loved the Beverly Cleary books, Encyclopedia Brown, the Anastasia series, Ameila Bedelia...I can't remember too many right now. The only books I would reread over and over was the "Choose Your Own Adventure" books because I could have different endings each time! Oh, and I do remember another book I reread lots- "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein.

5. What is the first adult book that captured your interest and how old were you when you read it?

It was either "The Secret Garden" or "Anne of Green Gables", I'm not sure which. Do those count as adult books? I was probably around 8 or so? I remember sneaking into my older sister's room and stealing the Anne books as I read them, hoping she wouldn't notice the hole in her cute little boxed series.

6. Are there any children's books you passed by as a child and learned to love as an adult?

You know, we really didn't have to many Dr. Seuss books in my house growing up and now that I have read many of them in adulthood, I realize that I missed out! They are so clever and entertaining and I have decided that the Lorax is my personal hero - he fought to save the Truffula Trees!!

I am going to have so much fun exploring my old favorites and new books with my kids. I love to read to Jane each night, even if it's just baby picture books!

Um...I would tag someone else to do this meme, but I don't really know anyone yet....oh wait...I will tag the one other person I know who other SIL, Andrea.