Monday, September 10, 2007

Identity Theft

Yes, my identity has been stolen...not by some faceless thug mind you...no, by someone I love. (Don't they always say that you hurt those you love the most...er..something like that...). Actually, by TWO someones I love. Yup, my kids have stollen my identity, and I think it is causing me to have a off-by-a-decade mid-life crisis. Have any of you mothers out there felt like this? Do you ever feel like you got lost somewhere once your mom role started? You now measure your weeks by diaper genie refills, gain insight throught the little antecdotes on "It's a Big, Big World" (it's okay to move through life slow like a sloth, and don't be in such a hurry to grow up, like Smooch's sunflower), and count yourself as a success in life if your toddler says "thank you" without being told to the retail clerk who has just handed her a balloon (which ended out popping in her face 10 seconds later when we left the store...did you know those things can leave a welt?). Point is, I love being a mom, but lately I wonder...who am I?

I can tell you who I used to be before I had kids. I was a bit of a hippy/granola/whatever the politically correct term is for someone who is way into environmental issues and outdoor adventuring. Back before it was cool. I grew up wanting to be a park ranger. I still do. I used to spend way too much money at REI. I turned vegetarian after watching some films in school about what goes on at meat farms. It's beyond inhumane. I used to plant trees along the Jordan River. I used to backpack, hike, and sometimes rock climb. I used to worry about all the horrible acts against humanity going on in the world. I worked for a non-profit organization that fights for National Forests...we mostly just fought with the Forest Service. (It's called the Utah Environmental Congress..check out their website and join them...http://www.uec-utah.org/)I even rallied at the Capitol. I used to fantasize about maybe, you know, getting my belly button pierced and growing some dreadlocks. Of course, I could never get myself to do either...but that didn't stop me from thinking about it. Mostly, I was just way more GREEN and spent lots more time outdoors. I was a LOT more carefree.

Sometimes, I miss that me.

Now, I feel like I am so far from that me that it makes me laugh. My backpack has a coating of dust and a family of spiders living in it. My rock climbing shoes were given to someone who would actually USE them. I have absolutely no idea what is going on in the world at all, let alone in the environmental sector. People still ask my opinion on certain things, knowing that I have been environmentally minded in the past, and I think I shock them when I have absolutely no idea what they are talking about. "Who are you voting for for president, Em? Do you like so-and so's take on the enviornment? Do you think so and so is too liberal? Is Al Gore still running for president? What is Obama's take on global warming?" "Uh...hmmmm..." I answer. "I think I will be voting for Elmo because I think Dorothy would make a fine secretary of state...and he is well versed in the "Ears" song. I do know that Al Gore put out a pretty good movie, though. You should see it." Seriously. I know nothing. I still try to recycle everything I can but I feel like I counter any effort everytime I throw a bunch of plastic diapers in the garbage can. I let out a sad sigh everytime I pass the organic produce section of the grocery store, knowing that I really can only afford the pesticide-laden, mutated fruit and veggies. I am not even close to being vegetarian and actually had a bag of hot dogs in my fridge this summer. I hate hot dogs. I mean, what are those things made of? But Jane likes them. And she likes meat. So does Jevan. So we eat it.

And that, my friends, is the problem. I have found I now follow the path of least resistance. Sadly, having kids has left me so tired at the end of the day that I just do what is easy...whatever is enough to get by. Being vegetarian, following current events, doing environmentally friendly things, taking my kids on a hike...it all takes work. Lots of work.

But, I've decided that by following that path of least resistance, I have lost myself, my soul, along the way. Does this sound crazy? I NEED something else to be PASSIONATE about other than my kids. My number one priority will be and always should be my kids and my husband. But I need something else. I need a little of the old me back again.

Don't get me wrong...I am not going to grow dreadlocks now or go to Burning Man or go spend a week backpacking through the Uintahs. But I am going to do something. And I figured that by blogging about it, those who read this can help me stick to it. I want to be vegetarian again, even if the rest of my family isn't. (I am not sure how to do a vegetarian diet with kids, for fear they won't get the nutrients or protein they need. If anyone has insight on this topic, let me know). I want to start taking my own bags to the grocery store and buying certain things organic (produce that is part of the "dirty dozen"). My SIL does a farm co-op where she gets fresh produce from a local farm every week during the summer. I want to do that. I want to have my own garden by next spring. I have the perfect spot for it in my yard, a little area that used to be a dog run, but first I would have to conquer the little amazon jungle living in there currently. I am going to try to do some reading each week on current events. I am going to find out what activities are going on in our area that are environmentally minded (like tree plantings..etc) and for kids. (Again, if anyone knows a good website/other venue that gives out this kind of information, let me know). I am going to take my wee ones up the canyon more often..even if it means just playing in the dirt at the bottom of a trailhead.

Along with it, I am going to add a main component that I have learned since having kids. This is COMPASSION. Humanity is every bit as important as the environment and I want my kids to grow up with concern for both. I want to try to do more service for others...as much as can..without losing too much sanity. Both around me locally and also globally. I want to do one of those programs where you "adopt" a child in Africa and send them money and letters. More service, more service. I KNOW this will make me a happier person.

So, there you have it. I wrote this all during naptime and I now hear the stirrings of a little Allison. I hope I can stick with some of this. Hopefully, writing it all down will help. I will still back Elmo for president, though...with Snook as vice president....and Mr. Noodle as head of homeland security...fitting no?

4 comments:

Unknown said...

Oh Em, I know EXACTLY how you feel. The few times that I've been let loose on the world without my kids, I don't even know what to do. They are my shield and the way that I relate to everything around me. There's not a lot to just Becca, and it feels very invisible. I love the invisible thing, btw.

Love your goals. Can we go play in the dirt at a trailhead with you?
Becca

Andrea Y. said...

I think you are amazingly cool and that you would look great with dreadlocks. Prehensile dreadlocks, yes? I love your goals and your determination and will cook yummy vegetarian foods for Sunday dinners. Tofurkey!

Seriously, though, I adore you and am continually impressed by what a good person you are. Thank you for being an inspiration!

Andrea

Anonymous said...

Identity? What's that? I completely sympathize. I think having a second child makes you have to really fight for it. The first child you're like, "oh, she is just so adorable I want to devote my entire soul to her every whim." By the second child you're like, "Oh, you are so cute and sweet, and an identity sucking lifeform sent from heaven above." It's not the second child's fault, of course. But the combination of two small children . . . makes it impossible to be everything you want to be.

Since my second was born, I've had to fight to define my identity. To give you some insight into my conclusions: your identity changes, and that's okay. However, I refuse to believe, or act, in a way that makes my children think that they are my identity. And I refuse to be the mother who can't function without her kids, like the mom's who can't handle when their children leave for college. (I love my kids though, just for the record.)

So, my solution has been (and continues to be discovered) 1) Don't feel guilty if you ignore you're kids once in a while. As long as their physical and emotional needs are met the majority of the time, they are just fine. Let them learn how to entertain themselves. 2) Reconnect with your old self somehow. And I think you're starting this with becoming vegetarian. Yes, it will be work. But you will probalby find great satisfaction in bringing back that part of you. Mostly because it will be just yours. Who knows, maybe someday they'll catch on and want to be vegetarian too. Then you're identity will infuse itself into your family.

Mine has been going back to work (albeit from home), and following politics. Which leads me to number three. 3) You can't do it all. But if you manage to fit in something, you'll feel refreshed. 4) Decide what you have to sacrifice to make time for yourself. This is bad, but I sacrifice sleep. I'd rather stay up late reading about politics, or blogs. Something that doesn't include the words, "poop, booger, yucky, I'll do it myself," or my personal recent favorite, "Mom, I don't like you right now."

I am so relieved that I'm not the only one who follows the path of least resistance. My kids get a new toy, tv, or something chocolate if they stay quiet while I'm on the phone for five minutes. And I do the bare minimum to get by through the day without completely ripping my hair out and wondering WHO THE HECK AM I. . . A CRAZY SCREAMING AT HER KIDS LADY? Definetely not who I want to be.

I could go on forever. But my point is, I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. And I think you're really smart to catch on while you can still salvage part of who you used to be. Again, I think it's okay to have your identity evolve. It kind of has to with kids . . . but definetely it's important to hang on with a kung-fu grip to part of who you really are. Good luck, and I'm right there with you.

Anonymous said...

Thanks everyone. It is so nice to have some validation and not feel like I am horrible selfish person.I love you all. KayLyn - wow. Will you please move back here? I think I need you for my sanity...thank you for all the awesome advice. You give such good insight on so many things and have lowered my guilt level tremendously (I CAN let my kids entertain themselves sometimes, it's okay to want to reconnect with your old self, I don't have to do it all AND I am not the only one who stays up waaaaaay too late reading and sometimes writing blogs!) I'm glad you are right there with me.